Watching Showtime

Last season, we saw Helena learn to live on her own, Max talk about getting his “top surgery”, Jenny write a book about her friends that’s getting turned into a movie, Bette fall in love with a deaf artist, Kit find out her boyfriend Mangus cheated on her, Shane dealt with becoming a good sister, losing her brother, and falling in love, Alice fall in love with Tasha, and so much more. Tina paid her penance for sleeping with a man, Jenny floated off into oblivion, Bette ran after her love, and so much more.

With all of this going on, this fifth season is sure to be amazing! And it starts out good, with the opener following a scene in Jenny’s moive “Lez Girls”. She portrays her friends as lady-killers, all of them acting like Shane when it comes to women. You can bet her friends won’t be happy about this version!

The episode opens with Bette and Tina acting the happy couple while trying to get their daughter Angie into a good preschool. All seems to be going well until Angie starts signing, and they have to stumble through explaining it. After their meeting they discuss their being a lesbian family helping their cause, while being a lesbian divorced family might not be a good thing for people to know. And it looks like they’re not the only alternative family looking for a good preschool. They run into a gay couple with their son, and it turns out their “lesbians with a bi-racial daughter” schtick doesn’t have two dads with different religions and a son who’s got three backgrounds!

Helena, meanwhile, is being put in jail for stealing what’s her name’s money last season. She looks none too happy at having to endure a cavity search or walking past all the other inmates. Alice, talking with all the other gals, lets them know that she can’t reach Helena’s mom, who is somewhere unavailable. Alice is interviewing Phyllis for her new podcast while Shane is off to sign a lease on an apartment with Paige. So much happens in those two minutes, let’s just take a moment to catch up with everyone!

• Phyllis and Joyce are still together, and Phyllis is trying to “study the lingo”, using her knowledge to insult the affair she and Alice had (she calls the sex “vanilla”)
• Alice’s website is apparently doing very well, and she’s now hosting a bi-weekly podcast for the ladies with Max’s help
• Shane and Paige are still together and renting an apartment together, although her friends don’t think it’s a good idea.
• Helena is scared to death of her new roommate.

Shane and Paige are checking out the apartment complex they’re renting from, and you can tell Paige is much more excited than Shane is. While being led around by the apartment manager, Paige starts to learn a little more of Shane’s past. It would seem the apartment manager knows at least half a dozen of the women Shane has slept with. As Paige leaves, you can tell Shane is thinking of sleeping with the apartment manager.

Back to the podcast, Max is explaining to Phyllis what “transgender” means. Turns out he didn’t get the top surgery after all, deciding he felt “enough of a guy, as is, without the surgeries”, and didn’t do it. That’s when Alice says they’re getting off-topic for Our Chart, which upsets Max. He feels it’s a site meant for all parts of the GLBT community, while Alice sees it as just for lesbians and bisexual women. (I wonder how she’d react to me being a member?)

Bette, Tina and Kit are talking about Lez Girls, and Tina’s clearly upset. They’ve taken on a new funder, paying for their next three movies, but he’s really annoying them all. And with Jenny MIA, Tina’s got a ton of work to deal with. As she leaves, Bette asks Kit if she’s talked to Mangus, but Kit says she just needs a clean break. Looks like we won’t get to see anymore of that dude on the show! They seem to go through men really fast! Meanwhile, Alice has just gotten a call from Tasha, who is about to ship back out to Iraq. Clearly upset about it, Bette goes to comfort her, but she doesn’t seem to happy about the situation. She’s worried that Alice doesn’t need to deal with more heartbreak, despite how much it’s clear Tasha loves her.

Paige shows back up at the apartment with her son Jared, and he’s just as excited as she is to be moving in there. And that’s when Paige sees Shane on the floor of one of the bedrooms, screwing the apartment manager. Looks like there’s going to be more sex this time!

Showing up to the meeting, Tina is not at all excited to discover Jenny’s back and she knows their “funder”, whom she calls Monsieur. It’s definitely Jenny 5.0, with Jenny much more obnoxious and out there than she’s ever been. Poor girl will once again be the one everyone hates. And then the bomb drops. Jenny will be the one to direct the movie! When her assistant brings her dog Sounder in, back from the groomer, she freaks out because the dog doesn’t have orange bows in his hair! She treats her assistant like complete crap, and you can tell she’s not going to last very long at all.

It looks like Joyce is throwing Phyllis a “coming out” party. So sweet of her! And then she asks Phyllis to move in with her. Somehow I see that relationship ending badly. While this drama is going on, Shane is sitting on Bette’s back porch drinking. Looks like she’s been trying to get back in touch with Paige, trying to apologize for cheating on her. And that’s when Jenny shows back up at the house. You can tell Bette still hates Jenny, and Shane still loves her. That’s definitely one of the cooler parts of Shane. She is the most devoted to her friends at all costs, loving every one of the women on this show without reservation. Looks like Bette isn’t ready to be friends with Jenny, however.

After she gets home, Jenny is on the phone with her assistant, telling her all the things she wants her to do for her on a Saturday. Just then Tina shows up with coffee and notes on the re-write of the script. Not a good idea, it turns out, because Jenny’s not at all excited to get notes from a “non-writer”. She throws a mini fit, unwilling to accept that Tina’s trying to help her out. Jenny even goes so far as to pull out all the flags on the pages, and tells her she can screw off if she thinks she’ll take notes from her. Classy.

Helena’s clearly having a very hard time adjusting to jail. First she’s scared of her roommate (Dusty), and then there’s the food. It’s nothing like anything she’s ever eaten before, and she ends up spitting it out. Hopefully her mother will respond soon, so she doesn’t have to be there for long! Bette and Tina, meanwhile, are having some mommy/daughter time with Angie, and it’s pretty damn obvious that Bette is still in love with her. Maybe we’ll finally get our Bette and Tina reunion this season? After Bette takes her in for her nap, she and Tina start talking about Kate, who was the original director on Jenny’s film. Bette’s a little too interested in Tina’s sex life, and it’s clear Tina’s not comfortable answering those questions.

After leaving Bette’s house, she and Alice and Shane head to prison to visit Helena. They tell her they can’t get ahold of her mother and that they’re trying to come up with her bail but it’s set incredibly high. They ask her where she hid the money, thinking if she tells people where it is they might be able to drop the charges (or at least get them lessened). But she’s not willing to give up that information. When they tell her she just needs to figure out a way to survive while in prison, the scene spirals into hilarity, with the girls each coming up with their “prison movie” versions of how to do that. Lay low vs. let everyone know she’s not to be messed with. You can almost see the “girls in prison” movies rolling through their heads!

Later that night the girls are all heading out to Phyllis’ coming out party. Alice is just sitting on the couch watching news footage of the war, and Shane is trying to convince her to come out. She finally succeeds, and the two are trying to help Tina find a new woman. Tina, however, can’t keep her eyes off of Bette. They finally spot a woman she might like, and send Shane in to put out the feelers. Bad idea! On her way over, she runs into Jenny, who is giving her assistant a detailed list of instructions for all she wants done the next day. Sunday. When the assistant tells her that she’s going to church in the morning, and that she can’t go in the afternoon because Episcopal churches don’t have afternoon services, Jenny gives her the death look. When Shane pauses to say hello, Jenny doesn’t introduce her assistant, which is apparently the last straw. She quits then and there!

And then Paige shows up. She’s still really upset and at the same time she’s still wanting to make things work with Shane. Until Shane tells her she loves her, but isn’t in love with her. As Paige is leaving Jodi shows up, and she and Bette have a very sexy reunion. You can tell Tina’s not excited to see her, but they all have bigger things to deal with. Phyllis shows up and tells the girls that Joyce wants to “Uhaul” with her, but she’s realized that she’s doing the same thing with Joyce that she did with her husband, and she doesn’t want to be in that same situation so fast.

After the party, Bette takes Jodi back to her loft, where she’s set the table with fine linens and candles and flowers and such. Jodi’s not too happy about it, though, telling Bette that it’s not her style and that she’s trying to control things too much. Personally, I think Bette was just trying to do something nice, not trying to change Jodi in any way, but what do I know! In an effort to turn the tables, Jodi says she’s going to take control of Bette, and puts a blindfold on her. And then, in one of the least sexy sex scenes ever to grace the show, the two have fake S&M sex. Sheesh, there’s not a whole lot of chemistry in that sex scene!

Apparently Paige didn’t like what Shane had to say about not being in love with her, because Shane drives up to what was left of her business, Wax, to find it burning to the ground. The cops and firemen are there, and they tell her it was arson that burned the shop to the ground. Shane won’t tell them about Paige, however, and so they don’t press charges because she doesn’t want to file a report. Shane has finally messed with the wrong bitch!

Back to watching all the Iraq war coverage, Alice has a knock at her door way late at night. Scared, she tries to fake a man’s voice to see who it is, but it turns out she had no reason to be scared. It’s Tasha! Not answering any questions as to why she’s back instead of on her way to Iraq, the pair immediately start getting it on, which is how the episode ends.

Don’t forget about all the great Season 4 reviews!

Showtime, The L Word, L Word, Bette, Jennifer Beals, Kit, Pam Grier, Alice, Leisha Hailey, Tina, Laurel Holloman, Jenny, Mia Kirshner, Jodi, Marlee Matlin, Shane, Katherine Moennig, Tasha, Rose Rollins, Max, Daniela Sea, Helena, Rachel Shelley, Phyllis, Cybill Shepherd